Title: Kintsukuroi // Golden RepairAuthor:
Pairing(s): Sehun / Lu Han, Sehun-centric
Genre: Angst, Hurt / Comfort, Romance
Length: 2,300~ words
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story. I write fiction not reality.
A/N: Inspired by this song.
kintsukuroi // golden repair
It’s been long overdue.
Sehun has seen it throughout the years — those cracks.
The dimmed light in his eyes. The plain, well-rehearsed and worn-out smiles. The laugh that sounds a lot more like a concealed cry over the years. The clumsy, choked words. The heavy breaths and nearly broken bones and heart.
The way he would curl up to himself as he sleeps and envelop himself in the security of his soft, sky blue-colored blanket that he loves so much.
The way his beautiful soul silently weeps.
The way he says I lo—
It reminds Sehun of their trainee days.
I really love this color, he had said with a sheepish smile back then, draping the blanket over himself and sighed contentedly. It’s a nice color, don’t you think? The color of the sky — the color of freedom, he grinned, gesturing toward their cracked white ceiling.
Sehun merely smiled and nodded back then, sitting on his own bed across from his. After a beat of silence, he looked at Sehun as if he had just got the most brilliant idea in the world. He shifted slightly, nearing to the wall full of yellow post-its containing hanzi Sehun couldn’t understand, and grinned. Come, sleep here, Sehunnie, and feel the nice warmth of freedom!
Sehun raised his eyebrows. Uh, hyung. Are you actually being serious right now?
Sehun still remembers how he hates people to sleep in his bed.
He flopped himself down and stretched his arms. Uh huh, just this once. You know I love you, Sehunnie. Anything for my adorable precious dongsaeng.
Sehun could hear the tease in his words, but couldn’t help the heat creeping up in his cheeks. It was fortunate he had turned off the lights.
Well? Come here and let’s quickly sleep, Sehunnie. We have another long day tomorrow.
Sehun carefully flopped himself down next to him. The bed was small, barely fitted them both. But still, he smiled, his back pressed close against the wall. Sehun didn’t dare to turn to his left.
But he did, anyway.
He was only a few centimeters away. Sleep was looming ahead, eyes heavy, fluttering shut. His lips were slightly open, slightly showing a glimpse of his perfectly white teeth. His breath was soft; their hearts beat in rhythm. It was perfect.
He was so beautiful like that.
So, so beautiful.
And then minutes passed. Maybe hours, Sehun wasn’t really sure. He only fell asleep after he shifted even closer towards the other boy, curling slightly. With a smile on his lips, he drifted off to sleep.
(Sehun dreamed that night.
A shadow was leaning in and pressed its lips against his forehead softly.
It whispered good night and pulled him close to its ink black heart.)
Sehun remembers the first fall.
It was the night after they had announced that Sehun, him, along with ten other boys would debut together in a boyband named EXO.
(They both got to keep their real names, much to Sehun’s relief and his chagrin, because thank God I don’t have to be SayHun or any other ridiculous names — Sehun, and but I want to be Zìyóu! It’s really a cool name, isn’t it! Isn’t it, Sehun? — him.)
They would move to a new, bigger apartment to live together with the other boys (members, he had corrected Sehun) the next day. They had packed their things, messily, into their suitcases. He hadn’t put in his blanket then, saying that he would put it in the next morning. I still need it tonight, he smiled.
That night he tore away the post-its and threw them away into the garbage. Sehun simply watched, sitting on the edge of his own bed, humming softly to a nameless song. He watched the now bare wall, devoid of any yellows after the years. It suddenly occurred to Sehun that this would be their last night here — their own make-shift sanctuary.
You know, he started suddenly. Sehun tore away his gaze from the wall and to him. We should leave our mark here.
Sehun shot him a questioning look. What mark?
He grinned, fished out a sky-blue marker from his backpack. This.
He shifted his bed so part of the wall that had been hidden by it was shown and gestured Sehun to come. Sehun obeyed and crouched down next to him.
Watch, he smirked and began writing something on the wall.
Oh Sehun the future world’s best dancer was here.
Sehun blushed. H-hyung… that’s embarrassing…
But it’s not! Come on, your turn, he laughed, shoving the marker into Sehun’s hands.
Sehun stared at the wall, eyebrows knitted, fingers fidgeting. What should I write… he mumbled to himself.
I don’t know, he laughed, what do you think of me?
Sehun stopped at that. What…
Write it, he smiled. What do you think of me, Sehun?
Sehun stared at him for a good minute.
A small smile made its way to his own lips.
Sehun uncapped the marker and began writing.
Sometimes he would leave his blanket behind in Korea when they go to China for promotions. It’s unintentional because he’s forgetful like that.
At those times, Sehun would wrap himself with it, cocooned in the comfortable warmth he has eventually become used to over the years.
It smelt of sunshine, lazy Sunday mornings, and the scent of white musk — the scent of him. Sehun really liked the feeling of being wrapped in those scent, because then he could almost pretend that he was there with him, holding him close.
(Oh how he wishes.)
Sehun often watched their Mandarin counterpart perform on his laptop late in the night (or very early morning, depending on their tight schedules). Sehun would see him dancing and singing passionately, smiling and laughing happily.
And then Sehun would think that life was perfect for the both of them, like this.
Because as long as he’s happy, Sehun would do anything for him.
It’s tiring — the long hours of constantly dancing and singing.
The similar questions and rehearsed answers.
Sehun wondered when it first began.
It’s as if everything had always been this way. Over the years Sehun had looked into those eyes many times — and he didn’t think he’d grow bored of it anytime soon —. They always told the things his lips wouldn’t say. The depth of his soul and the color of his heart. The things too dangerous for words and actions.
Sehun saw, and eventually Sehun listened.
Happy tunes, sweet melodic songs, sorrowful ballads, heavy rock metal.
And eventually, of course — the screams.
Kyungsoo broke down first.
Baekhyun was next.
Sehun looked at him and started counting.
Kris left a week prior their first solo concert without warning.
It was chaos, that day. Angry shouts and yells everywhere. Everyone was just too busy yelling at each other to notice that one of them had quietly entered his bedroom.
Sehun wordlessly followed, entered his room quietly and found him curling in the bed, wrapped in the blanket, sobbing, trembling. He took a deep breath and exhaled quietly. He approached the bed carefully.
Hey, Sehun croaked, touching his shoulder gently. Are you okay, hyung?
It’s going to be okay, Sehun tried again. I promise you.
The sobbing stopped. The next second he sat up, the blanket fell onto his lap, revealing the crying man. The sight broke Sehun’s heart and he could feel his own eyes started to sting. Sehun held it all back and offered him a smile. Hi, hyung.
I don’t understand, was the first thing he choked out. Why. I don’t understand.
Sehun bit his lower lip. Maybe some things are not to be understood, hyung. We simply have to accept them.
But we promised — we promised we’d be together till the end, didn’t we?
Sehun opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come out.
He was staring at Sehun, tears pooling in his beautiful eyes, and Sehun was speechless.
He clutched at the hem of Sehun’s shirt, burying his face on the younger’s chest. What do I do, Sehun? What do I do?
Sehun wordlessly pulled him closer, eyes fluttering closed, lips trembling. Tears are threatening to fall from the corners of his own eyes. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.
He calmed down a little at that and slowly pulled away; looking Sehun straight in the eye. His red-rimmed eyes were unreadable now. Sehun wished he could take all of his sadness away.
He paused. Why?
Sehun stared blankly at him before dropping his gaze on his lap.
Time was ticking away.
He’s starting to lost count.
Sehun wet his lips. Do you remember what I wrote on the wall? In our room back at the trainee dorm?
He nodded, eyebrows knitted.
Sehun shrugged. I thought it was obvious.
He was looking at Sehun so seriously while Sehun simply stared back. And then Sehun couldn’t contain it anymore — he laughed. Loud, boisterous, and free. Oh my God hyung, you’re so dense I swear to God.
He looked stunned at the sudden turn of event. Sehun kept on laughing, flopping himself to the bed, hands holding his stomach.
He blushed. What’s so funny.
It took a great deal of Sehun’s willpower to stop laughing, look up, grin, and say nothing at all, hyung. Nothing at all.
Sehun knew his time was running out.
Jakarta had been the last straw. It was raining that day. Sehun’s injured and everyone was already worn out from physical and mental exhaustion. Sehun sat down on the chair that had been prepared for him and watched the others perform.
The screams were getting louder and louder.
Sehun watched him nearly trip down; yet he continued as if nothing had happened, a shy smile playing on his lips.
It was in one of the songs. Sehun couldn’t really remember which, because he could only remember walking up to him and took his hand in his, heading towards the main stage together wordlessly. There were so many things he would like to say to the older man in that moment, but he chose to stay mum. Maybe it would be better like this. Maybe he should give it a little more time. Sehun held on that soft, gentle hand tightly and didn’t let go until Suho told them to get in line.
But in the end, he decided to voice it out.
Because the time is running out, Sehun started his farewell, smiling slightly. I’ll be short.
First of all —
I love you.
He finally broke down a few days after that.
He apologized repeatedly as soon as he woke up after passing out in the middle of practice. Sehun stayed by his side the whole time, hand never leaving his.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry oh God I’m really sorry —
Sehun squeezed his had gently, a small smile on his lips. Hyung. It’s okay.
He cried silently with only the two of them in the room.
Hyung, Sehun wondered out loud after a few heartbeats. Are you happy?
He came in Sehun’s room one night. It was late and everyone was already asleep. Sehun was reading a book he’d bought a few days earlier. He had trouble falling asleep.
Sehun, he called out softly, peeking from the ajar door. Sehun looked up from his book, slightly startled. Hyung… what’s up? Why aren’t you sleeping?
He placed his index finger on his own lips and Sehun closed his mouth. Sehun made a zipping motion on his lips and nodded.
He smiled and quietly entered the room, careful not to wake the others up. I miss you, he said simply, quietly.
We just met, like, an hour ago, Sehun pointed out, amused. You miss me that much you can’t wait to meet me in the morning, preferably after nine a.m., like a normal person would?
He chuckled at that. Sadly, no.
Sehun chuckled along and smiled. So.
So. He echoed, a smile Sehun loved playing on his lips.
Sehun raised his eyebrows and waited expectantly.
Sehun, he finally breathed out, I’m leaving tomorrow.
Have you realized?
He looks at Sehun questioningly. They are at the airport, waiting for his flight home. It’s midnight and they are the only people in one secluded corner somewhere in the building. He raises an eyebrow. Realize what?
Sehun lets out a hearty laugh and shakes his head. You’re impossible, hyung.
All these years, Sehun smiles, cupping his face in his hands gently, all these years.
He blushes furiously, stuttering, wha… what do you mean —
I love you. I’ve always had, always will.
It leaves him speechless for a few moments. The first word uttered from his lips was: idiot.
Sehun frowns. Idiot —
All these years and you only said it now? Now, when it’s all over — how dare you, he chokes out, tears streaming down his cheeks. And then he whispers: oh God I love an idiot.
Sehun laughs. Well, I can’t kiss you if you’re still crying like that, Sehun says softly as he wipes the older’s tears. Don’t cry anymore, okay? You’re free to do what you want now. Have plenty of rest. Eat a lot. I love you.
He wipes his tears and chuckles. Yes, mom.
Sehun shakes his head. How about “Yes, my only one true love”?
He punches Sehun’s chest playfully. Don’t push it.
Sehun smiles. Are you happy now, hyung?
He mirrors Sehun’s smile, leans in, and presses his lips against Sehun’s softly.
I am. I really am.
Lu Han the free, most loved, and happiest person in the world was here.
After months of writer's block, I finally managed to write this today. I'm really sad to see Lu Han leaving EXO, in fact I teared up on my way to school when I read the news yesterday, but I respect his decision and will support him. I sincerely wish him the best of luck. This fic is dedicated to him.
Sehun actually said those things (I'm sorry, thank you, and I love you) in TLP Jakarta. Although in this fic those words are meant for Lu Han, in reality he addressed those to the fans ㅋㅋㅋㅋ.
Lu Han did post "I'm home" on his weibo account.
LJ messed up my formatting so this is posted all centered, although I personally think it looks nice all centered, I will try to fix it later ㅋㅋㅋ.
I played Snow Patrol's You Could be Happy on repeat when I was writing this. I personally think that song describes this fic and how I (and at some degree, Sehun in this fic) feel about Lu Han's departure the best.
Zìyóu (自由) means freedom in Chinese.